Thursday, September 25th action

Last night featured some frisky six-handed action in Lederach with much of that action occurring well after this blogger was already long asleep dreaming about his beautiful Jewish American princess of a girlfriend. Ahhh, what a woman…..but I digress.

The night was truly “A Tale of Two Cities” for our beloved host Sir Lawrence and his worthy adversary, Mr. Dana. (That will also be the last time I ever reference literature in this blog). Mr. Dana started off on fire and had nearly $1,000 in profits in front of him at one point while Sir Lawrence moped his way to early losses of nearly $800. Mr. Dana was pretty much beating anybody and everybody at the beginning of the night, even adding the dealer button to his large stacks at one point much to the chagrin of the OCD Kevin T. Cooper. Mr. Dana was even the one to send Action Drunk Dan on his sober way last night busting him with his flush over two pair. After midnight, however, when only the most dangerous creatures prowl, Sir Lawrence started to get his “Mojo” back and begun raising irrationally like only he knows how. Sir Lawrence took out Joseph J. Crawford (detailed below) and used that sudden burst of momentum to begin playing every single hand. The late night hand of the night was Sir Lawrence’s turned gut shot straight which ultimately got him doubled up on a $1,000 plus hand when Mr. Dana rivered a lesser straight. Mr. Dana’s recent woes continue as nearly all of his $1600 plus profits are gone from earlier this year. We would go into further detail on this but Mr. Dana already has enough stress trading in this crazy market and, more importantly, we’re still scared he will hurt us if we harp on his losses for too long. Let’s be safe and move on.

As for Joseph J. Crawford, it was his first tough night all month and not just because the Nor’easter we were expecting started, wiping out all the potential landscaping work his “illegals” were going to be doing for him this weekend for $2 an hour. Poor Joe. Instead, fueled by the world’s largest Red Bull, Joey battled all night to stay near even and then got involved with our host, Sir Lawrence, in his last two hands of the night losing more than $200 on those and ultimately finishing down -$289 for the evening. The poker gods might have been inflicting some karmic justice on Young Joseph for flaunting a successful bluff in Kevin T. Cooper’s face after only days earlier taking the same Mr. Cooper for more than $700 in a hand after Young Joseph made a terrible call but ultimately hit two runners for a flush and the winner. Not that we’re bitter or anything.

Michael J. Hauer, this blogger’s favorite card player ever, wrapped up a huge September with his third winning session of the month matching Sir Lawrence’s $494 profit for the night. Msgr. Hauer was the beneficiary of boat over boat against J.J. Crawford, early on, and a big early hand against Sir Lawrence where his flush bested Sir Lawrence’s two pair. Late night, however, Mr. Hauer got talked into a call by the sneaky Sir Lawrence on a Q 5 8 K 2 board when Mr. Hauer’s A Q felt compelled to call a check raise on the river for an additional $115 when Sir Lawrence showed the world the Queen he had in his hand. Of course, we all know that the other card not shown by Sir Lawrence was the case Queen. Ouch. We aren’t sure who dealt but are willing to bet significant money that the dealer’s last name on that hand rhymes with “Smell-son”.

In other action, Drunk Action Dan, now known as Danny Eight Times for his penchant for repeating everything eight times (“Lar, Do we have the over?”, “Lar, Do we have the over?”, “Lar, Do we have the over?”, “Lar, Do we have the over?”, “Lar, Do we have the over?’, “Lar, Do we have the over?”, “Lar, Do we have the over?”, “Lar, Do we have the over”?), made his usual donation, this time -$527, and futile late night Wawa run. Danny Eight Times blew past the $7,000 loss mark since we started keeping tabs in April and now has $8,000 in losses firmly in his sights. His quest for $10,000 in losses before the end of the year looks quite realistic given his shouting “I can’t bet that” tell when he has nothing has gotten worse than Teddy KGB munching on those Oreos. Danny Eight Times also introduced the poker world to the first ever verbal string bet last night: “Kev, I bet 30, 40, 50, 60, 74 dollars”. We don’t know what to quite make of that but keep doing it.

Finally last, but not certainly not least, is Kevin T. Cooper who quietly won $118 and whose only big hand was getting paid nicely on his pocket Aces. Once again, Kevin T. Cooper only plays pocket Aces or better, why does everyone insist on getting involved with him? Must be the engaging personality. Anyway, Mr. Cooper has now booked 6 winning sessions in his last 7 tries, is firmly in the black for the year, climbing the leaderboard rapidly and now in fourth place overall. Maybe now he can finally buy something nice for that Jewish American princess of his……

Have a great weekend, go Phils.

Thursday, September 18th action

Last night was our largest participation night since April with 11 degenerates trudging up Sir Lawrence’s recently re-paved driveway. Fortunately, this time, Sir Lawrence did not have the cops waiting for us and the game went on without incident.

Several players made their long awaited return to action including the jet lagged Hawaii Jay Evans, the personable Brian “Moke or Muck” Milewski and the mysterious John J. Keegan. Hawaii Jay Evans had the wildest ride of the group getting busted early with set over set and then grinding his way back into positive ground only to have his pocket Kings picked off by our beloved host’s (Sir Lawrence) flopped set of queens. Jay, ever the survivor, kept at it and ultimately lost less than $100 for the night which is quite the accomplishment considering the run of poor luck he experienced. Jay, thanks for stopping in and we’ll see you on your next trip back from Florida or whatever warm weather state you are from.

Moke took time out of his busy schedule of hitting on loose women with low moral fiber to join us last night although most players barely noticed. Moke’s major contribution to the game was demonstrating to the group the proper folding technique and his tourist-y “Outer Banks” playing cards. We eagerly look forward to Moke’s next trip down the shore as we have always dreamed of playing in a live Hold ‘Em game with a deck of cards that says “Stone Harbor”. Either way, Moke quietly lost a little over $200. Moke, we’ll see you again in December.

As for John J. Keegan, we assume he made his return to Lederach based off of his impressive results in his first outing and the wild, unpredictable play of Drunk Action Dan. Dan certainly did not disappoint him this time but Mr. Keegan has failed to learn Rule #2 of the Lederach Poker Game. DO NOT GET INVOLVED IN A BIG HAND WHEN LARRY IS DEALING. Mr. Keegan’s call of Drunk Action Drunk’s big blind bet was subsequently called by Sir Lawrence’s pocket 3’s and just like magic, a 3 came up on the flop. An expensive $250 lesson on that hand for Mr. Keegan but a lesson we have all learned at one time or another. And for those of you wondering what Rule #1 is at Lederach……..never, ever let Drunk Action Dan leave the table with cash.

In other action, Kevin T. Cooper kept his promise to only play pocket Aces or better and did precisely that by winning all of his +$575 with pocket Aces by hitting set over set against Hawaii Jay-O and picking off two Dan’s for the price of one when his pocket Aces held all-in pre-flop against A Q and 4 4. Mr. Cooper also provided the most homoerotic moment of the night by hugging our host, Sir Lawrence, in jubilation in a weird attempt to thank him for inviting Drunk Action Dan after felting our favorite clueless mortgage broker. Yuck.

Mr. Dana, evidently still reeling from the pounding his Orangemen took last weekend for the third weekend in a row, dumped his chips early and often but presumably got a full night of sleep by leaving well before 10pm thus breaking his modest two session winning streak.

America’s favorite Italian import, Joseph Crawford, came to play late but was ready to go, as usual. His biggest hand of the night was against fellow Islander Jay Evans, where young Joseph got paid nicely after flopping a straight against poor Jay’s bottom two pair. Otherwise, Joseph was relatively quiet preferring to spend most of his time debating such riveting topics as whether professional soccer players are in as good of shape as amateur synchronized swimmers. (They aren’t).

The big winner of the night was this blogger’s favorite card player, Michael J. Hauer, who took home nearly $1,000 for his efforts. His big hand of the night was taking down arch-nemesis, Sir Lawrence, on a beautiful straight versus a measly two pair. Msgr. Hauer is as nice of a guy as you can find and Sir Lawrence has been quite ornery lately so the room took some pleasure in this result. Sorry, Larry, it’s true. Msgr. Hauer is solidly in second place now on the year-to-date leaderboard well above retired Gay Ron.

TJ, still licking his wounds from a one on one beating the night before against Sir Lawrence, was quiet most of the night but did squeeze out a nice $90 profit, his first positive night at this weekly event since early August. TJ decided to lay low and keep his new moves (he’s been reading a book) under covers and break it out for “Donkey Festival 2008” occurring this Saturday at Kevin T. Cooper’s palatial estate in Oaks and will feature none other than Drunk Action Dan (drinking in the morning!) and Chommie, the world’s dumbest Jew. Laying low was certainly a good idea and we applaud TJ’s discipline.

Sir Lawrence had his usually volatility but ultimately finished within $10 of even for the night despite being involved in numerous big hands. Sir Lawrence already gets mentioned way too much as it is and we’re tired of talking about him so we’ll say no more. For now, at least.

Dan K. had a rough night dropping $500 (or “5 Large” as the kids say), about the price of his new IPhone, and is now firmly in second to last place in our year-to-date statistics. Our stat of the night: People with the first name “Dan” are now down over $8200 for the year.

As for Drunk Action Dan, where do we begin? Drunk Action Dan was on fire early and had more than doubled up on his initial $300 before his ADD, ADHD, OCD, alcoholism and other assorted behavioral defects began kicking in. At this point, Drunk Action Dan began getting more aggressive than Ron at the Gay Bingo Night in Royerford that he has been attending each Thursday instead of the weekly card game he should be attending. Anyway, it was just a matter of time before Drunk Action Dan busted and this blogger is so looking forward to Drunk Action Dan coming over and playing this Saturday in his basement that it’s doubtful he’ll get any sleep tonight. Dan is now flirting with the magical -$7,000 loss mark for the year. This is like watching McGwire chase Maris. Glad I have a front run seat.

Have a great weekend. Go Phils.

Thursday, September 11th action

Last night's six-handed action got off to an exciting start even before our poor disheveled host, Sir Lawrence, made it home. Starting the night where he left off last week, lost and confused, Sir Lawrence neglected to shut the alarm off in his home despite inviting his guests to walk in thus inviting the local police to pay this legal card game a visit. Fortunately for all players, neither cop chose to "tase" Drunk Action Dan back into coherence. Anyway, just minutes after this incident, Sir Lawrence's night took an even worse turn when he pushed all in with a flush draw only to miss and be cracked for his first $300 by Michael J. Hauer.

Much like Clark Kent, all Sir Lawrence needed was a costume change to get his superhero powers back. Sir Lawrence ran upstairs, changed out of his girly nurses scrubs, scrounged up $100 from the petty cash bowl he keeps by his bed and cashed back in. Several hours later, Sir Lawrence had turned that measly $100 into over $1400 for a nightly profit of $1160. Sir Lawrence was helped along the way by a $1,000 plus hand with Mr. Dana when Sir Lawrence rivered his full house with his pocket Kings to beat Mr. Dana's high flush. Much like other great superheroes, Sir Lawrence has a sidekick always by his side that helps him along the way and Sir Lawrence's help came in the form of Drunk Action Dan who continued to dump pots his way to return the game back to the form it has known for the past several months.

In fact, Drunk Action Dan did make up for lost time from his missed session last week by dumping $500 to the group after winning the first two hands of the night. Dan is now down nearly $6,500 for the year or a little more than 25% of the $25,000 of the commissions he made yesterday in closing $2,000,000 in mortgages. Right. Dan's debacle included an ill-advised bet on the state university of New Jersey and his 15th straight wrong sided bet on a Phillies game.

As for this blogger's favorite player, Michael J. Hauer, the momentum couldn't be maintained from last week as Msgr. Hauer lost $402. In fact, Msgr. Hauer appears to be the only one who can't figure out Drunk Action Dan as he lost a big hand because of a $50 gut shot call by Dan (which worked!) and losing a big coin flip to him as well. This recent turn of events threatens to drive Msgr. Hauer into the same mental state as the leader of his beloved Titans, Vince Young. Maybe they can share a therapist.

Kevin Todd Cooper had a rough evening breaking his four session winning streak by losing -$394. His big loss of the night was his flopped Jack high flush which lost to Drunk Dan's flopped top set which turned into quads on the river. Cooper, the god of bad karma, probably deserved the loss by not-so-coyly babbling on the phone while playing the hand. On the upside, Cooper only accidentally flipped his own cards face-up one time all night. Well done.

Mr. Dana had an up and down evening winning early, losing in the middle of the night and battling back towards the end of the night to close out the night +$44. Coincidentally, +44 is about the number of points his beloved Orangemen will need to successfully cover versus the Nittany Lions this weekend. Mr. Dana started off the night shaking, supposedly from Wawa coffee and not the thought of Matt Cassel starting for his Patriots all season, but entertained us all by giving Sir Lawrence the slow roll of the year and showing his full house to Sir Lawrence's high flush only after Sir Lawrence had allocated a large percentage of that big pot to his $14,000 a year in real estate taxes. The karma gods did eventually get Dana back later on in the aforementioned pot that initially busted Mr. Dana versus Larry (also flush versus boat). Overall, a solid night for Mr. Dana as in addition to the impressive battle back to positive ground, he also successfully and correctly counted out his chip stack at the end of the night.

Finally, last but certainly not least, Joseph Crawford arrived late as usual and took advantage of Drunk Action Dan as though he was just another lawn that needed to be mowed. Very businesslike, J. Crawford took home +$70 for the night, barely enough to cover the registration fee on the K Smith tournament in little over than a week.

Have a great weekend.

Thursday, September 4th action

Last night’s action was decidedly tame with the absence of Thunder Dan (aka Drunk Dan or Action Dan or Mortgage Broker Dan or State Trooper Checkpoint Dan) however the game went on without him seven handed. Our beloved host, Sir Lawrence, showed up late to his own game and played as though he was desperate to make up for the lost time. Clearly a little off his game and channeling the spirit of Drunk Dan, Sir Lawrence got felted FOUR times in a two plus hour period by FOUR different players. In fact, every Gentile player at last night’s game was able to crack Lawrence at least one time with only our Jewish friends, Dan K and Kevin Todd Cooper, missing out on the fun. We’re not sure what that religious stat means but we’ll keep our eye on any sort of potential religious collusion at the table in the future. Sir Lawrence’s awful play resulted in $800 in losses and his pathetic display continued well after he left the game as he spent time on his couch, forlornly watching the action while Googling his own name on his damaged laptop while eating chunky peanut butter with his dirty index finger. A sadder display we can not recall. In addition, the pumpernickel pretzels that were the hit of the game a week prior never made an appearance. Overall, certainly a night Sir Lawrence would like to forget however we’ll point out he’s still well atop the leaderboard year-to-date. For those counting at home, Drunk Dan has missed three sessions this year and Larry has posted losses all three nights. Looks like “Lar” might have to refinance his house yet again to get his inebriated friend some additional cash flow.

In other action, Michael J. Hauer ended his horrid four session losing streak as predicted in this blog last week and clearly put August in his rear view mirror by winning $331. Mike’s hand of the night was Sir Lawrence’s first “felt-ing” getting himself all-in pre-flop with the best of K K versus Q Q despite Shady Sir Lawrence actually dealing said hand. If Mr. Hauer’s beloved Oilers (Titans, whatever) can upset the Jaguars on Sunday, this has the chance to be a truly magical weekend for him.

Mr. Chad, this blogger’s favorite player, was the big winner of the night profiting $337 by methodically winning small and medium sized pots early while getting in on the fun of cracking Sir Lawrence. Mr. Chad tried his hardest after midnight to give his chips away by repeatedly chasing open-ended straights that he knew were never coming but still managed to hold onto most of his winnings. Mr. Chad, usually the finest gentleman in the room, did commit the poker feux pas of the night by only throwing his chips into the river well after making a weak losing call. We’ll overlook that transgression this time because of the fine reputation Mr. Chad has built over these last few months.

Dana C. made his return to the game from the beaches of Aruba and had an up and down night that ultimately resulted in a huge profit of $15 which is just about enough to pay for one of those fruity “woo woo’s” or other tropical drinks it’s rumored Dana enjoyed extensively while vacationing despite his macho image to the contrary. Dana did aggressively play Q 2 offsuit twice and hit (and got paid) both times he did so we may have a new name for a hand (“The Orangeman” for any Q 2 offsuit). We’ll see if that one sticks.

Kevin T. Cooper followed up his humongous profits from a week prior by showing up, reading the paper, making several jokes that fell flat, staring at his girlfriend’s picture on his work issued blackberry and, ever so occasionally, playing a hand of poker. Cooper’s hand of the night was his pre-flop fold of 8 6 unsuited when he accidentally exposed both cards. Truly inspiring and memorable stuff. All that being said, Cooper did manage to eke out a $28 profit, his fourth straight winning session and one short of the current record of five currently shared by Sir Lawrence and Dana C. We fully expect a pre-flop raise of $20 on the first hand next week from Mr. Cooper in an attempt to win the $3 blinds, a quick cash out and endless bragging about his then 5 session winning streak. Can’t wait for that.

TJ had a nice night last night as well (+$329), also putting Sir Lawrence in his place. In fact, TJ Larry’d Larry by hitting his two pair on the river (with 2 3 in his hand) to best Sir Lawrence’s top pair as a little bit of good karma finally fell his way. Add on top of that TJ’s nice Giants bet and his ability to fend off Kevin Smith for Randy Moss trade offers from the morons in his fantasy football league and it was a truly productive night for the only 20 something in this group of 30 something degenerates.

Finally, Dan K. ended his one session winning streak by quietly losing $190 and now sits second to the bottom on the year-to-date leaderboard although still about $472,432 better than the other person named Dan who participates in these weekly lovefests. We believe all future games should contain at least one Dan in order to be sanctioned events.

Have a good weekend, go Birds.